Anger Management

When we think of the word anger what is it that we think?

We generally think of anger to be something which is very negative and something which is looked down upon. But this is not the case. It is only negative when it out of control, inappropriate and is not channelized in the correct manner.

Anger can actually be a powerful tool and a really helpful tool if we learn how to manage it. It is a fight response to out fight or flight mechanism which helps us survive. It acts as a red flag to indicate that someone has crossed our boundaries or to indicate injustice. Therefore, it is bad only when it overwhelms us and it starts controlling us instead of us controlling it.

We cannot always get rid or avoid the things or the people that enrage us, nor can we change them, but we can learn to control our reactions to our situation and that is what is anger management all about.

Research has shown that anger may not always be a primary emotion and in fact is one which is secondary, there’s always some other feeling that gave rise to it. Think of anger as the tip of the iceberg as shown in the image below.

Anger here is depicted by the tip of an iceberg and the other emotions are depicted by the major part of an iceberg which is underneath the water and is not visible. An anger iceberg thus shows how anger may be outwardly expressed but within it there may be a lot of underlying emotions which are beneath the surface and cannot be seen. It is easy to point out on someone’s anger but it is not that easy to see the emotions which resulted in their anger. Once we are able to dig deeper beneath the surface i.e. the anger, we can be aware of these underlaying emotions such as hurt, jealousy, frustration etc. and we can work through conflict in a better manner which is healthier and productive. Being able to identify these other emotions may also help us to be more empathetic towards ourselves.

Strategies to manage anger:

1. Recognize your triggers: In order to manage anger, we need to recognize what our triggers are. Our triggers can be things, feeling or thoughts and others. For example, in our workplace, you may face jealousy or envy because of competition, we can face inequality and disrespect, and all these emotions can get overpowering and can result in anger and decline our productivity and can take a toll on our mental health. Recognizing our triggers is not always easy as something triggers can be subtle for example, a college getting a promotion can make you feel angry because for you, it may serve as a trigger for rejection.

Another way to go about is to think about the times when you were angry and reflect on what happened before. Once identified, we can get better at dealing with our triggers and develop control over how we choose to think feel and behave in relation to that trigger.

2. Recognize the difference between what you can and can't control: This is an important aspect to keep in mind for anger management. Sometimes, we may just need to accept the situation when there is little we can do. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn’t always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the situation. If we make a serious attempt to face it head on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all or none thinking.

3. Do not jump to conclusions: When we are angry, we tend to jump to conclusions and it is possible that the conclusion we jump too, do not make much sense if we really think about them. Do not say the first thing which comes to your mind, instead, when in middle of a heated discussion, slow down and think about the situation and your response. There is a huge difference between reacting and responding and therefore be mindful about that. Listen carefully about to the other person and take your time to respond and not react. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from escalating.

4. Distance yourself from the situation: If you have reached the point where you feel that you are about to burst, sometimes it is useful to physically disconnect yourself from the situation. Like, going away from that office chamber. Sometimes it is not possible for us to physically the place so one way of disconnecting yourself from the situation is to try to distract yourself by the things which are around you. It could be anything on your phone, talking to someone you trust. This will help you to take control over your emotions and not be overpowered by it.

5. Cognitive restructuring: This technique is about changing the way in which we think. When we are angry, we generally become overdramatic about what we think. We may find ourselves to be cursing and swearing. Instead of doing this, we can consciously try to replace our thoughts with ones which are more rational. For example, when we are angry instead of taking it as an end of the world situation or thinking that the situation is absolute awful, we can acknowledge our emotions. We acknowledge that, "I’m very frustrated and whatever happens is bad but it is not the end of the world".

6. Communication: One of the ways we can communicate to another person that we are angry is by knowing the difference between being aggressive and being assertive. Being assertive means expressing anger directly, in an appropriate tone and without demeaning the other person. It is okay if you have been offended or disrespected, it is okay to say, “When you said my work was subpar in front of others, I felt angry, I would like to talk to you about the situation so that we can improve our relationship”. Whereas, being aggressive is to say, “You acted like a real jerk today, how dare you talk like that in front of others”. Therefore, there is a difference in the way we communicate our feelings to people and we should to be mindful about that.

7. Relaxation techniques: Sometimes taking a deep breath is all we need. This is something we all have heard but in reality, there are a very few of us who actually use it. When your temper flares, it is vital to put relaxion skills to work. Often, it helps to visualize a calming image, or repeat a calming phrase or word.

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.