Conversations Around Seeking/Offering Help

Reaching out and venting to a friend or a loved one can be a cathartic experience. There are times when we seek a space to pour our thoughts, or want some solutions or advice. Sometimes getting a little scolding from our friends on our life choices does give us some better perspective. However, there can be times when our loved ones might respond in ways which might not be the things we would want to hear when we are at our lowest. Sometimes we just need some validation or acknowledgment that whatever we are feeling is valid and justified.

They may have the purest intentions for us and may say things out of concern - like “life

is unfair, others have it worse, you’re thinking too much” and the list goes on. One may think

these statements are pretty common, what’s wrong with that? Well when someone is already

feeling hopeless, “life is unfair” can add to their misery and make them feel stuck. If we try to

tweak the language and say “life seems to be unfair right now”, it reflects that their current

situation is not permanent and at the same time we are validating their experience by agreeing that yes whatever is happening is unfair. When someone is thinking too much about something it mostly reflects that it is something valuable to them, which is why it is taking up so much headspace for them. We may or may not relate with them, it is okay, the least we can try is to understand their point of view. Lastly, the statement “others have it worse” is something we hear so often. Well it may be true that others have it worse. But is it fair to compare our struggles or pain? Then what about the least privileged individual? Is there no way out for them because no one is struggling harder than them? Each individual’s journey is unique, so is their struggle! Often the kind of responses we receive from our loved ones are based on their biases, the kind of bond, their previous experiences, personal values (which may or may not match with yours), current state of mind, or emotional capacity.

At times we might reconsider whether we want to ask for help and hesitate to reach out.

One of the small steps that we can take is by asking our loved ones if they have the time and

capacity for listening to our concerns. And clearly stating what we are looking for. You can figure that out by asking yourself- “what do I need from them/ how can they help me?” This can help the loved one to check-in with themselves if they will be able to give you proper justice by providing what you are looking for.

Reaching out can sound like: “hey i wanted to vent about my relationship, let me know if you have the time and space, i am not looking for any advice as such, just a space to pour my thoughts”. Through this approach, the loved one will know the kind of support you are expecting and whether they will be able to fulfill it or not. And there can be times when the loved one can’t support you or maybe someday you are not in a place to support someone else- you can politely decline their request or postpone it or redirect them to someone else by saying-

● “I am struggling with my own mental health right now, and I don’t think I can be your primary support system”

● “I have a lot going on right now, I’m not in a headspace to help out”

● “Hearing this is triggering because my resources are low, do you have someone else who can support you?”

● “I am stuck with office deadlines right now, can I reach you out in 4-5 hours?”

Open communication through both sides helps to create a safe environment wherein everyone has clearly stated their boundaries. But what if you reach out to every possible resource and no one is available? In such situations you can imagine if your best friend was going through the same circumstances as you, what would you tell them? If you’re kind, compassionate or considerate towards your best friend, is it possible for you to do the same for yourself?

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.