From a Child to an Adult

There is an old saying in Assamese that translates thus: when your son reaches the height of your nose, it’s time to start treating him like an adult”. In the absence of a clear line between childhood and adolescence, the earlier generation likened the demarcation to a fixed height which tallied with those teenage years. While many proverbs are regarded as being obsolete in the modern world, perhaps this one is still quite relevant because it emphasizes the fact that there comes a time in children’s lives when we need to start treating them in a more mature way.

Most of the children at the adolescent stage complain that parents do not understand them. Many parents don’t accord a growing child the space, privileges and respect they need as they enter adolescence and continue to treat them in exactly the same way as they always have. It seems to be particularly so in those adolescents who are either a single child, the youngest child, the first born, or the only male or female in a set of three siblings.

Most teenagers as they embark into this new phase, seek to establish their own identity and may demand some privacy in the form of their own bedroom or more personal freedom which they were not given earlier. It is this desire to assert their new status that causes much

friction and misunderstanding in the parent-teen partnership, often characterized by arguments, screaming matches and lots of banging of bedroom doors! The hormonal changes of adolescence may cause them to style their hair for hours on end, fret about the shape of their body, worry about the pimple on their face, crave for a boyfriend/ girlfriend or want to wear fashionable clothes. However, those teens who meekly continue to remain in an

extended childhood phase showing no inclination to change will have a harder time adjusting in many other areas of their life. By remaining in a time wrap, they remain emotionally immature and will lag behind in the milestone of their peer group in terms of responsibilities and independence. This widening difference may cause them to be ridiculed and teased by their classmates which can lead to distress and even depression.

Research has shown that the frontal cortex of the brain which is responsible for the brain’s executive functions (such as reasoning ability, making decisions and controlling impulses) does not completely develop till one is in the twenties. Teens' brains therefore are in a critical stage of development which means they don’t have the processing capabilities of an adult. Regardless of children entering adolescence, they still need guidance when it comes to making adult-like decisions. As parents are care providers, they should be in the driving seat. They still need to hold the reins of freedom, but there should be relaxations of earlier

boundaries to suit the individual’s level of mental maturity. What complicates matters further

is that the boundaries are different for every child: some children mature as early as eleven

years of age and can be accorded a certain degree of responsibilities whilst some may still be behaving like a child at sixteen.

In the complex world of human relationships, it might be interesting to ponder on why there is a hiccup at this phase at all. Which link is the weaker as adolescence sets in? Is it the parents who continue treating their children as kids, thus stunting their natural mental growth? Or is it in the children who do not display the signs of mature thinking, thus inhibiting themselves from being treated as an adult. It’s almost like a classic chicken or the

egg dilemma where either couple is the cause. If children were given age appropriate chores

and responsibilities of their own as they grew up the transition to adolescence would be far

less problematic, probably even go by unnoticed. Those children who had everything done

for them as children and were not given any tasks or responsibilities suitable to their age may well turn out to be at loggerheads with their parents in adolescence

The entire crux of friction centers around disrespect. Anything in which teens feel degraded, belittled, humiliated, mocked or talked down to will catalyze feelings of anger towards their parents and their circumstances. Red flags to watch out for: tearfulness, argumentative nature, impulsive, angry, easily irritable, demanding, aggressive, isolated, shouting, general melancholy for no reason.

Some of the ways in which parents can treat their children to behave in a mature way:

• It is okay to be a buddy or friend, but the bottom line is that parents are responsible for their child's well being. Therefore, keeping the parent child demarcation clear is very important. Parents are in charge and it is their responsibility to make sure that their children learn about the choice and consequences in a safe way.

• Broaden boundaries together. Mutually discuss freedom levels in problem areas such as phone usage, boy/girlfriend, going out, study timing, pocket money and even the music sound levels.

• Give teen choices within limits. This gives them the confidence to feel they are in control of their lives.

• Listen and empathize. Focus on what they are saying, not on what parents say and guard your response to them. Respect some of their requests but only the ones that are reasonable.

• Do not endeavor to know everything about them but keep vigilance on the child's behaviour.

• Give trust a chance. Do not bombard them with a hundred suspicious questions of where they have been and what they have been up to. Rather, maintain a happy and non-interrogative countenance and ask them.

• Be vigilant about what they do behind closed doors in terms of what films they are watching or what sites they are viewing on the net.

Reference

Agarwala Loya. (2013). A school counsellor diary. Westland publications private limited.

Ginott. G. Dr. Haim. (1969). Between parent and child. ‎Macmillan & Co Ltd