To Expect, or Not To Expect

Having expectations is often like basking in the sun- go overboard and you risk suffering from burns of disappointment, but you can’t completely avoid or do without the warmth and hope altogether because they provide essential nourishment for your soul. 

Understanding our tendency to ‘expect’:

To expect is to believe and assume that the future will unfold a certain way. This belief is based on a mix of hope and trust that the factors we’ve considered in making this prediction will stay reliably constant. The need for expectations arises because the future always remains uncertain, and we need some stepping stone if we are to have any plans for our future. Hence, expectations are goal oriented by nature, in the sense that there’s a reason we expect what we do.

At the very core, expectations are all about making life better between the present moment and a moment in the future. ‘Better’ could mean anything, from being better aligned with your goals and values, being more fulfilled and emotionally secure to being better connected with your loved ones. For instance, when you expect yourself to get a few tasks done in a day, it’s set with an anticipation of how relieved and satisfied you’d feel after having finished each one of these tasks, and how these completed tasks will allow you to stay on track with your broader career goals.

Further, you may attach importance to meeting your career goals because it would provide financial security to help you build the kind of life you want for yourself in the future. Thus, an expectation from today is linked to a plan for the future. In relationships, we all have emotional needs that we seek to satisfy in the hope that it’ll enable us to live more fulfilling lives, and our expectations from the other person are the language through which these needs can be understood by the other person as well as by us. We don’t have expectations just from ourselves and others, but also from situations and life circumstances. This comes from our instinctual understanding that there’s a force that keeps the world moving even when individual elements within the world (like us and our loved ones) cease to exist. And that if we’re to dream of a future for ourselves, we would have to understand the workings of the world enough to be able to predict and expect the direction in which the worldly force moves, and create a plan that goes along this current, and not against it. Our expectations in this regard are in the form beliefs about morality and justice- about which events follow which actions, like the belief in ‘karma’, or in the idea that patient efforts are rewarded justly.

The bottom line is- given that we live in an uncertain world where multiple possibilities exist for how the future may turn out, our tendency to expect is only natural, and also helpful in navigating our life journey. And although ‘disappointment’ is the cost we often pay for expecting, it shouldn’t have to mean that not having any expectations is the right way out.

Also understanding our tendency to be disappointed:

Disappointment: aka the distinctive sinking feeling in our stomach when we realize that our expectations are to remain just that, never to translate into reality. Disappointment comes up when reality falls short of our expectations. It's a painful emotion- emptiness and despair take up the space where hope and anticipation lay just a while ago. The intensity of our disappointment depends on the intensity of our expectation. 

But disappointment is not all bad. It plays an important protective role as well. Imagine, if we were not to feel the acute pain of disappointment when our expectations are dashed, would we find it necessary to move on from placing our hope on the same expectations? Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad for expectations that are reasonable, because lowering the bar there wouldn't be great; but for expectations that have over and over been shattered, which a small part of us knows are always going to be different from reality, disappointment hurts but the pain provides us a reason to move on. In a way then, disappointment invites us to review our decision about whether to continue expecting or not, based on the costs and benefits involved in doing so.

When expectations stop serving their purpose 

• When they're based on norms rather than personal values. That is, when they're based less on what you really want and more on what the world has told you about what you should want. For instance, the disappointment that your life doesn't look like the lives you see on Instagram stories on New Year's Eve where people are partying and travelling, despite you not being an outdoorsy person, comes from a norm based expectation.

  
  

• When expectations are hyper-focused on securing happiness. We as humans are wired to experience more emotional shades than just happiness. We cannot expect to chase happiness all the time and still live fulfilling lives; because it makes us less accepting of other emotional responses to the experiences life throws at, when they’re only valid and can help us grow. We don’t need to protect ourselves from experiencing these emotions. Doing so only narrows our horizon.

  

  
  

• When expectations become demands and rules (for ourselves or others). This reflects in how we hold ourselves accountable to ‘perfection’ as a rule, or the way our need for emotional connection develops into a demand that a loved one must always be emotionally attuned to us. Neither perfection nor emotional attunement are inherently unreasonable expectations - they reflect what we value, but when we expect ourselves or others to always fulfill them, it leaves zero room for any fluctuations in bandwidth or life circumstances (that are actually bound to happen). These expectations come from a place of perceived scarcity- that if they are not met in the way that’s demanded, then no other alternative would feel good enough, or that an extremely negative consequence may follow. This is usually anxiety that’s speaking, and not the capable and confident part within us that holds belief that it would find a way out even in the worst-case scenario. 

  
  

• When expectations are disguised tests of love and self-worth. “If I have to seek help, it means I failed at making myself capable enough of dealing with the problem. So I must be weak. “If I mattered enough to them, they wouldn’t need space from me”. Sounds Familiar? This is when fulfillment or disappointment of expectations is treated as conclusive evidence of whether we’re worthy of looking in the mirror with admiration and compassion if the expectation was from ourselves, or of whether someone really loves and cares for us if the expectation was from them. While expectations and whether or not they’re met can be very useful in informing our decisions as discussed earlier; in the case of expectations disguised as such tests, it’s important to evaluate whether the conclusion has been arrived at after comprehensive consideration of multiple factors, or does it seem like an over-simplified verdict about ourselves and others based on only specific instances of expectations being met or not.

How can we do better at ‘expecting’ 

• Expect keeping in mind the possibility of disappointment: This allows us to make a mind-shift towards flexibility and balance by planning for both positive or negative possibilities, and have a backup option ready. This is about not fighting the given that the future is uncertain and can really pan out for the better or worse, and that despite making the most foolproof plan, it’s still susceptible to change brought forth by this uncertainty. 

  
  

• Expecting consistency is much more reasonable than expecting perfection- because consistency is about having a strong intent in its rightful place, but also about continuing with the same intent even after a failure. It’s an expectation about the process, which is more in our control than the results.

  
  

• Remind yourself that the path towards happiness is not fixed: And that even if the door that we expected to go through is closed, we would find another one that can lead us to our desired place if we try hard enough. This is also about opening ourselves up to soak in the meaning that lies in the moments when happiness feels elusive, but some other emotions need soothing. 

  

• Give yourself permission to accept that two different ideas can be true at the same time: That we could keep realistic expectations and yet be disappointed. That disappointment can feel painful and frustrating, and could still be sending us an important message. Or that we can make space for disappointment and other emotions apart from happiness and still stay committed in my pursuit of it

So perhaps the question isn’t whether to expect or not to expect, but how to expect well. Expecting well is less about control, and more about courage, compassion and acceptance. 

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.