How to Improve Your Relationship

Developing and sustaining relationships takes conscious and consistent effort from the people in them.

When we reflect on our own relationships, it is tempting to think that if only the other person would change a little (to what you have been telling them to), if only they saw things from your perspective or understanding theirs was easier, or if only they did things without you having to ask, then there would be no problems.

We often hear advice that we just need to put in effort and work on relationships, but we don’t get told how to actually do that. So here is a quick guide on how to be a better partner, or how to make your relationship stronger.

Respond to ‘bids for attention’

Dr. John Gottman calls ‘bids for attention’ as the fundamental units of emotional

connection. These signal a need for attention, however small they may be. ‘Look at that bird’ ‘What do you think of this text?’ ‘Ugh what a day’ ‘Did you hear about...?’ can all be something that you can acknowledge and respond to, and it would make them feel heard. They are trying to connect with you, and these small interactions can go a long way. You could ignore, reject, or accept a bid. The best way to respond to a bid is by ‘turning towards’ them.

Turning towards

This can be done by listening to them, paying attention, responding to their requests,

asking them how they wish to be supported, even just sharing your observations about a topic that they have brought up. Do this with curiosity about where they are coming from, rather than participating in a debate of what the right opinion should be. (as that could make them feel defensive).

Know (ask them) how they prefer to be loved, and tell them your preferences.

Sometimes, we love people in the way that feels loving to us, or the way in which we

want to be loved. And then we may feel confused and helpless if they say ‘you don’t

know me/ care about what I want anymore’ when they don’t acknowledge or see the

effort we put in. We can have a conversation about how they like being cared for and

loved, and then try to learn and practice the ways if they do not come naturally to you.

Similarly, tell them what you like best and the ways in which they could be there for you.

Develop healthier ways of communicating.

Use ‘I statements’ instead of ‘You always.../ You never..’. ‘You never have time for me’,

can be expressed instead as ‘I feel ignored/ alone’. And then, we can also recognize what we would want our partners to do, and make specific requests. ‘And I would really appreciate it if...we could spend some quality time together this weekend’. This is one way of expressing your feelings and needs, and telling them how they can help meet those needs without making it feel like an attack, or without expecting someone to read your mind.

Refrain from criticizing

Research shows that there are four things that partners do that negatively affect the health of a relationship. These are criticism, contempt (rolling your eyes when they say

something you don't like/ biting sarcasm/ putting them down), defensiveness and

stonewalling (refusing to engage with them or the conversation because it feels

overwhelming). Instead of criticizing who they are, we can express how we feel instead

and make requests about what we want. We can also ask for time outs and regulate our feelings when they get too much and then get back to them, instead of refusing to respond in a conversation.

Make efforts to be a good friend to them.

A strong friendship creates a foundation for a good relationship. So whatever it is that

makes you a good friend, try incorporating them in a relationship as well. Listen, attune and engage with them, ask how they want to be supported, provide comfort and support, spend quality time together, engage in activities that either/both of you enjoy.

References

https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/

https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.