The real reason why honeymoon phase ends - And what couples should do next

Most couples step into long-term relationships swept up by the intoxicating rush of falling in love. This stage feels magical - euphoric, obsessive and all-consuming. You wake up thinking of your partner. You go to sleep imagining them. Every moment together feels like heaven.

In this emotional high, it’s easy to believe you’ve met perfection. This illusion tricks you into thinking that yo have achieved deep intimacy - and that this feeling, if it’s truly “real”, should last forever. 

But the truth is: 

That romantic obsession is temporary. Research shows it lasts about two years on average. 

What really happens?

Eventually, the emotional clouds fade away and the real person beside you emerges - flaws, quirks, irritations and all. The partner who once felt like a soulmate can suddenly feel judgemental, moody or hard to live with.

The illusion of intimacy evaporates and small things - a tone of voice, a misplaced clothing, an unmet expectation can sting. For couples who depended on the euphoria to feel connected, this moment becomes a crisis. This is where many begin questioning compatibility. Researchers emphasize: Falling in love is not real love. Why? It is driven by biology- not character, values and growth.

What do we do?

Once the automatic emotional rush burns out, couples face a defining decision:

Walk away to chase the next high or Start the real work of building last intimacy - this is where true love begins. Not the euphoric, instinctual kind. But the rational, volitional, deeply intentional love that actually sustains a long-term relationship. Real love requires effort. It requires choice. It says - I see you fully - and i still choose you. There are going to be people better than me and there are going to be people better than you - but I STILL CHOOSE YOU.

Humans crave belonging, warmth and emotional safety. Marriage or partnership is meant to meet this need, but only when love becomes an intentional act, not an involuntary feeling. 

Volitional love looks like - 

• Offering them the last slice of pizza even though you both have been fighting  (Choosing kindness even when annoyed).

• Sending a text message to her when she’s on her period (Prioritizing your partner’s well-being).

• Sending them for a pampering massage appointment (understanding their love language and ).

• Acting with generosity, not instinct.

When both partners commit to loving in this conscious way, emotional safety grows. The relationship becomes more secure, more fulfilling and even more exciting than the first rush of infatuation. 

Actionable Steps Couples Can Start Today

1. Create a weekly “Volitional Love Ritual”

Once a week, choose one act of love that requires thought and intention. 

Example - Leave meaningful note of appreciation. Plan a small surprise nased on their love language. Take over a task they dislike, without being asked. 

Why this works? You train your brain to love intentionally - not automatically.

2. Build a monthly “Reality Check” Conversation

Sit together and gently discuss - What behaviours are rubbing you the wrong way lately. What were good parts that you shared together, What more and new can be done?

Do this with the team mindset - Its us v/s the problem - not us v/s each other.

Why it works?  It prevents disappointment from turning into resentment and strengthens real intimacy. 

3. Fill each other’s Emotional Love Tank - On Purpose

Identify each partner’s primary love language. Then commit to one intentional act in that language every day or ever alternate day. Example - “Today I’ll give her ten minutes of pure, focused attention” Or “ Tonight I’ll speak words of affirmation to him before bed”

Why it works? Emotional security grows when love is expressed deliberately and consistently.

Lasting love is not sustained by chemistry alone, but by conscious choice. When the honeymoon phase fades, commitment begins. Volitional love - intentional, disciplined, and generous - creates emotional safety, deep intimacy and resilience. Couples who choose to love daily build relationships that grow stronger, richer and more fulfilling over time.  

References

Chapman, G. D. (1992). The 5 Love Languages. Northfield Pub. (Original work published 1992)

John Mordechai Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Douglas Carlton Abrams, & Rachel Carlton Abrams. (2018). Eight dates : essential conversations for a lifetime of love. Workman Publishing.

Kathleen Mates-Youngman. (2014). Couples therapy workbook : 30 guided conversations to re-connect relationships. Pesi Publishing & Media.

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.