The Dinner Table of Emotions

Imagine your emotions arriving at a dinner table. Joy walks in. Everyone smiles and immediately pulls out a chair for it. Gratitude is welcomed warmly. Excitement gets invited to sit right in the middle of the table.

Then Anxiety walks in. The room goes silent.

Sadness arrives next and someone quietly suggests it should leave. Anger is not given a seat either. Fear is politely ignored. But just because they have not been given a seat doesn't mean they disappear. They linger in the room. And soon, everyone at the table becomes aware of their presence. No one is truly settled because the emotions pushed aside are still asking to be acknowledged.  

This dinner table’s dynamics is representative of the relationship with emotions for a lot of us. We have spent years learning how to welcome certain emotions and avoid others. When emotions like sadness, anger, fear, or anxiety arrive, we may not know how to sit with them, understand them, or respond to them. Instead, we immediately try to push them away. 

But what if the real key to wellbeing was just not being happy all the time but being able to navigate all that we feel?

Psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci (2001) describe two broad ways of understanding well-being. The hedonic approach focuses on happiness, pleasure, and positive emotional experiences. But the eudaimonic approach focuses on meaning, personal growth, and living in alignment with one's values and potential. In simple terms, one asks, "Do I feel good?" while the other asks, "Am I living well?". Similarly, Carol Ryff's model of psychological well-being highlights that flourishing involves purpose, personal growth, positive relationships, and self-acceptance (Ryff, 1989). None of these require us to feel happy all the time.

Think about some of life's most meaningful experiences. Starting therapy may feel anxiety-provoking. Setting boundaries may bring up guilt. Grieving a loved one is painful. Having difficult conversations or embracing change can feel uncomfortable. Growth is not always pleasant, yet it often contributes to our well-being.

Even in psychology, emotions are sometimes described as "positive" and "negative." However, these terms simply refer to whether an emotion feels pleasant or unpleasant, not whether it is inherently good or bad. Anger is not morally bad. Sadness is not a personal failure. Anxiety is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong with you.

This distinction matters because the language we use shapes the way we relate to our emotions. When we label emotions as "bad," we are more likely to suppress or avoid them rather than learn how to work with them.

Emotions are not verdicts. They are information.

Researchers suggest that emotions are adaptive responses that help organise our attention, behaviour, and decision-making (Farb, Chapman, & Anderson, 2013). They exist because they serve important psychological and social functions. 

Consider anger. We often associate it with aggression or conflict, but anger may arise when our boundaries are violated or when something feels unfair. It signals that something important deserves our attention. What matters is not whether we feel anger, but how we express it. One person may lash out, while another may communicate a boundary respectfully or advocate for change. The emotion is the same; the response is different. The same can be said for anxiety. Feeling anxious before an interview, presentation, or major life decision is not necessarily a sign of weakness. Sometimes, it is simply your mind reminding you that what lies ahead matters to you.

Mental health conversations frequently focus on emotional regulation, but emotional regulation is often misunderstood. It does not mean eliminating difficult emotions. James Gross (1998) defines emotion regulation as the processes through which individuals influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express them.

In other words, emotional regulation is not emotional suppression. When we repeatedly avoid certain emotions, we may experience temporary relief, but we also lose the opportunity to understand what those emotions are communicating. Avoidance can teach our minds that these emotions are dangerous, making us even more fearful of experiencing them in the future. Learning to sit with difficult emotions does not mean enjoying them, it means building the confidence and tools that we can experience without being controlled by them. 

The next time an uncomfortable emotion arrives at your table, resist the urge to escort it out immediately. Instead, pause and ask yourself, "What might this emotion be trying to tell me?" Not every emotion deserves to make our decisions for us. But every emotion deserves a seat at the table.

References

Farb, N. A. S., Chapman, H. A., & Anderson, A. K. (2013). Emotions: Form follows function. Current Opinion in Neurobiology, 23(3), 393–398. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.conb.2013.01.015

Gross, J. J. (1998). The emerging field of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271–299. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.2.3.271

Ryff, C. D. (1989). Happiness is everything, or is it? Explorations on the meaning of psychological well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 57(6), 1069–1081. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.57.6.1069

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2001). On happiness and human potentials: A review of research on hedonic and eudaimonic well-being. Annual Review of Psychology, 52, 141–166. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.52.1.141

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.