The truth about self-control we don’t really talk about

Control- we want so much of it and yet we have only limited access to it while navigating through the world. Hence, it’s no surprise that we’d want to make the most of the control we have over one definite aspect of our existence - our self. Our choices. Our actions. Our thoughts. 

We often view the difficulty exercising self control as the core reason for our unfulfilled goals and the resulting guilt and frustration. This can make us feel like a weak-willed individual. However, before we reach such conclusions, it’s important to consider what makes exercising self-control so difficult, because it’s more common than we think to just be about lack of discipline.

Factors influencing self-control

• Trauma - all kinds of traumatic experiences have one thing in common- how despairingly out of control they make you feel. For a nervous system which has experienced terror and helplessness together, it takes unlearning of extreme stress responses and relearning of regulating responses to exercise the complex process of self-control. 

  
  

• Freedom granted by life circumstances- The more practical constraints that life circumstances pose, the harder it becomes to exercise self control in the areas where there's actually some freedom. For instance, a person who has extremely demanding work hours during the week can experience a lack of motivation to engage socially or in hobbies/ interests when they’re actually free during the weekends, because the comfort and appeal of spending a demand-free couple of days would be heightened after a packed week. This is often more of a case of lack of bandwidth rather than lack of self-control.

  

  
  

• Self esteem- how you feel about yourself influences what you would want to do for yourself, and how capable you consider yourself for it. In the process of working on your self-control, it’s important to not make any rigid assumptions about yourself (like “This loose-resolved person is just who I am”, or “I am clearly an impulsive choice-maker”). Because the more negative labels you start associating with yourself, the more it can shake your belief that you can bring about change.

  
  

• Perfectionism- When you're even generally very mindful of the consequences of all your actions all the time, consciously exercising self control in specific areas can feel like an additional burden. Exercising self control is a process, and a not-so-linear-one at that. Striving for perfectionism can make you want to give up each time you stumble in this process because each dip in the graph would be catastrophized. This can make you delay starting the process so that you can begin on a perfect note, which is not very feasible and can put you on hold for months. Perfectionism has a way of restricting your freedom - you seek fulfillment in building a perfect habit, rather than noticing the change that might be occurring despite imperfections. 

  
  

• Values and Purpose -- Having clarity about the reason you want to exercise self-control in a particular area and identifying how it’s linked to the core values you hold and your overall sense of life purpose is important. Because self control that’s exercised from willingness rather than obligation is relatively easier and more effective to practice. Asking yourself- am I looking to change because I want to, or because someone else wants me to change, or because I feel I should change because everyone else is on a certain different path can clarify a lot of things for you!

  
  

• The cost of change- Self control is often about doing less or more of something, and hence has change as a central theme. And wherever change is involved, letting go of the familiar and habitual is also involved. This is not an easy process because familiarity breeds comfort. Change can feel daunting when we don’t know what it would bring, but we know that it would involve letting go of predictability and familiarity.  

So how can we have a better shot at exercising self-control?

• Continue striving for change despite disappointments. The more often you have an alternative choice of action at the back of your mind even as you act from your usual patterns, the more you get used to the element of choice being present eventually. 

  
  

• Tap into desire, not pressure- “Must, must, must” creates pressure and makes freedom feel restricted. Frame the action statement for yourself with a reason that makes you desire it.

  

• Listen to what the barriers might be trying to tell you. Often, behind the barriers lie some needs that ask for fulfillment. This gives you a chance to see if you can fulfill this need alongside your goal. For instance, the need for comfort can be fulfilled by being mindful of your bandwidth even as you stretch outside of your comfort zone, and rewarding yourself with a comforting activity after the task.

  
  

• Identify areas that you excessively control in your life. Reflect on whether you can go a little easy in such areas where striving for control just drains you rather than helping you. To be able to practice self-control where required, it’s important that we hold space for spontaneity wherever we can. 

Self control shouldn't feel like it’s making you miss out on what brings meaning to your life. A comprehensive analysis of what really matters to you is important, so that prioritizing and mindful decisions become smoother processes. Remember- the ‘control’ in self-control is not about always holding yourself up with tight reins, it’s about striking a balance between mindfulness, intention, spontaneity and freedom in a way that allows you to make the most of all these approaches to life.

References: 

Baumeister, R. F., & Tierney, J. (2012). Willpower: Rediscovering the greatest human strength. Penguin.

Hofmann, W., Luhmann, M., Fisher, R.R., Vohs, K.D., & Baumeister, R.F. (2014). Yes, but are they happy? Effects of trait self-control on affective well-being and life satisfaction. Journal of personality, 82 4, 265-77. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12050 

Tice, D., et al. (2007). Restoring the self: Positive affect helps improve self-regulation following ego depletion. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 43, 379–384. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2006.05.007 

Willems, Y. E., Boesen, N., Li, J., Finkenauer, C., & Bartels, M. (2019). The heritability of self-control: A meta-analysis. Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews, 100, 324–334. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2019.02.012 

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.