A Deeper Look into Loneliness

What makes up the feeling of loneliness 

There’s more to loneliness than just not having a supportive circle of loved ones and feeling alone. When feeling alone is interpreted negatively- as a question of our worth- a fence springs up between us and the world. The world beyond the fence appears lively, perfectly synchronized and connected; in stark contrast with the empty stillness on our side of the fence. Loneliness is anything but a simple feeling. There are layers of feeling unlovable, rejected, wounded, abandoned and worthless to it. 

Why it is a painful emotion

A sense of forced disconnection often lies at the core of loneliness- that there’s no one whom we can claim to be connected to and rightfully call our own, and that this is not what we’d have willingly chosen. As a result, loneliness often comes up with an intense longing for connection, but without the reassurance that it’s going to be found. It’s like being painfully aware of a dry throat in the midst of a desert- of course it brings up helplessness and despair. When you know you’ve tried your best with multiple attempts to find it, and yet it remains elusive, the weight of the many disappointments is a lot to carry. 

How it changes you as a person 

Loneliness being a relational emotion (arising in the context of relationships) complicates matters further. It leaves a lot of room for assumptions to be made about why others don’t choose to be connected with you; giving others all the control over the verdict of your loveability or worth. This invites deep shame and self-deprecation into the room. It makes feeling good about yourself harder, gradually isolating you from even yourself. Our connection with ourselves grows to become contingent on others’ connection with us-- loneliness can eventually also be attributed to absence of love, value and appreciation from ourselves. 

Isn’t it paradoxical how despite feeling like a forced disconnection (thereby assuming that external forces control it), loneliness makes it seem like something within you is responsible for it? Multiple experiences of being hurt or abandoned in relationships can lead us to over-assume responsibility for connection by making ourselves easy to like, not setting boundaries, avoiding confrontations and more such people-pleasing behaviours. This stems from the idea that ‘something must be broken within me that I’ve not had fulfilling relationships, and I must not let it show until I’ve fixed it’.

What makes it worse 

Although loneliness can often feel like a perpetual dark cloud hovering above us making it very tough to ignore it, it worsens in particularly trying weather. It’s heightened during difficult life events when we really feel the need to have someone by our side; or when we notice other people's strong support systems, making us question if we don’t deserve the same love, care and value. It really worsens when you feel alone even in the experience of feeling alone because that makes it seem not normal. It makes you seem not normal. This is how the idea that you’re lonely because of who you are starts seeming true, increasing the weight of disappointments from the past failed attempts at connection until it becomes so heavy that you get exhausted. Eventually you see no point in trying and the weight forces you to give up on claiming your rightful place in the world.

Where does healing start: Considering perspectives that’ve been blocked by the painful fence of loneliness

• Aloneness is as natural a consequence of existence as is connection: If we sit to really think about it, even a person most strongly connected to others is alone in their experience of life- the emotions they feel, the thoughts they have, the way they witness and interact with the world, the memories they have from the duration of their existence. Being alone is not something that’s broken to be fixed. Of course it’s a relief and reassurance to have someone by your side as you navigate through the ups and downs of life, but it’s integral to be by your own side irrespective of whether others are. 

• Making someone love you is not your responsibility -- You do have an influence over it but never complete control. It takes two to form and maintain any connection.

• It’s as much about them, if not more, than about you- People turn away from others often because of what the connection brings up for them. What each person is looking for is very subjective, depending on what their values, needs, wounds in relationships are like; and finding a good fit is an organic process- not something that one person is more responsible for. 

• Rejection has more to do with mismatched wavelengths than the worth of the people involved. 

• You deserve to make the choice too about whom you’d like to be connected to. The intensity of your longing doesn’t have to put you in a position of accepting any and every connection that comes your way, as long as you’re also attuned to and fulfilling your own needs in ways you can. 

It takes time, belief and actions to accept and absorb the above perspectives because they often go against perspectives that form across years of hurting in relationships. As a starting point, approaching it with the objective of making space for these new and older perspectives to co-exist, rather than from a quick-fix mindset works better. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can provide the safety, containment and direction that’s integral to such healing work. 

References 

Fromm-Reichmann, F. (1959). Loneliness. Psychiatry, 22(1), 1–15. https://doi.org/10.1080/00332747.1959.11023153 

Harris, M. A., & Orth, U. (2020). The link between self-esteem and social relationships: A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 119(6), 1459–1477. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000265 

Rook, K. S. (1984). Research on social support, loneliness, and social isolation: Toward an integration. Review of Personality & Social Psychology, 5, 239–264.