Why 69% of Relationship Conflicts are Unsolvable (and what we can do about it?)

For many couples, this insight comes as a shock. Research from the Gottman Love Lab, drawn from over 40 years of longitudinal studies, shows that 69% of relationship conflicts are unsolvable. These are known as perpetual problems - issues that remain resent throughout the lifespan of a relationship, no matter how much effort, therapy or love is invested. At first glace, this can feel discouraging. But in reality, understanding the 69% rule is the difference between couples who feel chronically stuck and couples who become masters of long-term relationships. 

Solvable v/s Perpetual Problems

To navigate commitment effectively, couples must learn to distinguish between two very different kinds of conflict. 

Solvable Problems - These are situational issues with no deeper emotional meaning. For example, Who picks up the kids on Fridays, how household chores are divided, scheduling and logistics. With clear communication and compromise, these problems can usually be resolved. 

Perpetual Problems  - These stem from fundamental differences in personality, values or lifestyle. They are the arguments couples revisit again and again over the years. For example, One partner is a saver; the other is a spender. One craves closeness and the other values independence. One prefers structure and the other thrives on spontaneity. Because these differences are rooted in identity, they cannot be “fixed” in the traditional sense. Entering a relationship with the expectation that your partner will fundamentally change, sets the stage fro long-term frustration and resentment. 

Perpetual Problems

One of the most powerful discoveries in relationship science is this : 

Every gridlocked conflict contains a hidden dream, longing or emotional truth. What looks like stubbornness is often protection. For instance - a fight about how to decorate a Christmas tree may appear trivial. Yet a deeper exploration might reveal that white lights represent safety and spiritual purity for one partner, while multi color lights symbolize rare moments of peace in a chaotic childhood for the other. When these dreams-within-conflict are expressed and understood, rigidity softens and empathy emerges

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The Right Mindset 

If most problems are unsolvable, the purpose of healthy communication shifts dramatically. The goal is no longer fixing, but dialogue. Emotionally healthy couples stop trying to eliminate differences. Instead, they learn to live with them through acceptance, humor, and mutual respect. They understand that difference - not similarity - is the norm in long-term relationships. 

What can we do? 

Because perpetual problems are here to stay, the goal is to prevent them from becoming gridlocked. 

1. Name the Problem Accurately

If an argument feels like a “broken record”, its likely perpetual. Naming it as such helps couples stop trying to change each other and move towards acceptance.

2. Shift from Solving to Dialoging

Healthy couples choose curiosity over correctness. Avoiding criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness. Allowing your partner to influence you. Staying emotionally engaged even in disagreement. 

3. Explore the Dream within the Conflict

Each partner takes turns as : Speaker and Listener. The speaker shares what the issue represents and why it matters. The Listener (dream catcher) listens without rebuttal or judgement. Asking questions like - what does this mean to you or what do you need me to understand? These open the doors to empathy.

4. Externalise the Negative Cycle

From attachment based perspective , the cycle is the problem - not your partner. 

Identify the pattern : One pursues or criticizes and the other withdraws or defends. When couples unite against the cycle, emotional safety increases. 

5. Share the Softer Emotions Beneath Anger. 

Anger often masks more vulnerable feelings - fear, hurt, loneliness or shame. Expressing emotions like - I feel invisible or I am afraid of losing, invites closeness far more effectively than blame. 

6. Build a Strong Emotional Bank Account

Perpetual problems feel overwhelming when emotional reserves are low. Build a bank of more positive experiences and interactions. On a daily basis - choose to connect with your partner rather than choosing to avoid them. Develop shared rituals such as - check-ins, dates or quiet time together. Emotional safety makes differences manageable. 

Choose the Adventure

Every relationship is a journey and when you accept that your travel partner is a package deal of beautiful quirks but as well as flaws, you free yourself from resentment and instead focus on the 31% of problems that you can resolve. And 100% of the relationship gets cherished. When it rains, we don’t argue with the weather gods. Instead, we buy an umbrella and enjoy chai pakoras together. 

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.