Growing around Grief

Grief is not just death, it can also be an end of friendship, loss of job or transitions like moving to a different country.

This is the theory of Dr Tonkin’s model of grief, which is illustrated above. This model suggests that the size of the grief doesn’t decrease with time, it can hurt as much as it did in the initial periods, nonetheless our capacity to hold the grief increases.

Rather than the idea that ‘time heals everything’, it is more about how an individual learns to live with grief and grow around it. One will experience new things, meet new people, have new pets, learn new skills, visit new places, enabling the space around one’s grief to get bigger.

It tells that we will always carry the grief within us and no one can truly move on from grief. It

emphasizes the importance of moving forward or adapting to living a life without the loved one. This can be done by growing around grief. One's life can expand AND grief can still be there. It can co-exist.

If grief stays with us forever, does that mean we can’t do anything about it? There are some

healthy and constructive ways of dealing with grief which are mentioned below:

Engage in rituals: Memorial services and funerals are ways to honor the person who died. It can be comforting to be around other people who knew your loved one. This can be helpful to put up with grief for the initial days. One can create their own personal rituals and perform them.

Acknowledge and accept your emotions: Showing your emotions is NOT a sign of weakness.

Society expects us to ‘move on’ quickly and get back to our duties which dismisses an

individual’s need to have their own pace and time to deal with the loss. Don’t hold yourself from having a good cry if you feel like it.

Talk about it when you can: It’s completely your choice if you want to express the story of

your loss and talk about your feelings or if you don’t feel like sharing it with others. Both are

OK. No one should feel pressured or obliged to talk about it. If you don’t want to share it with others, there are other ways to express your thoughts and feelings. Some examples are

journaling, writing a song or a poem.

Conserve memories: Make a memory box or collage that has reminders of the loved one. It can include photos, quotes, lyrics of a song they dedicated to you or whatever you choose. One can also write a letter to the loved one expressing their feelings or gratitude. Other ways can be planting a tree or doing charity.

Get support: Social support during these times can be extremely helpful. One can seek support from family, friends or mentors in their life. One can also reach out to Grief counselors or connect to support groups.

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.