If I Start Validating My Emotions, Will I Become Selfish or Worse, a Narcissist?

A lot of people hold this fear. For many people, this isn’t simply self-doubt. It’s a kind of moral concern.

• If I prioritise myself, I might hurt others

• If I express my emotions, I might be “too much”

• If I set boundaries, I might become cold or inconsiderate

But where does this fear come from?

For many people, it connects to lived experiences of being around someone who was:

• dismissive

• emotionally unavailable

• controlling or inconsiderate

So “narcissism” becomes a shorthand for: “I don’t want to become like the people who hurt me.”

And internally, a line gets drawn: “I would rather neglect myself than risk becoming that.”

Beyond personal experiences, cultural conditioning plays a role. In collectivistic cultures, messages like “adjust,” “don’t be difficult,” or “think about others first” are not inherently harmful, but over time, they can create a quiet association, that being good = minimising yourself and taking space = risking disapproval.

Research on emotional socialisation suggests that children learn not only how to regulate emotions, but which emotions are acceptable and how they should be expressed within their social environment (Eisenberg et al., 1998). In more collectivistic cultures, emotional expression is often shaped by relational expectations, leading to heightened self-monitoring (Markus & Kitayama, 1991). Many girls are socialised to be emotionally aware and empathetic, often learning early to prioritise others’ needs. However, self-prioritisation doesn’t always develop alongside this. Research indicates that girls are more likely to internalise distress and experience interpersonal guilt (Zahn-Waxler et al., 2008). In such contexts, even reasonable self-assertion can feel disproportionate.

For many boys, emotional restriction is more common. Vulnerability may be discouraged, leading to limited familiarity with one’s internal emotional world. Despite these differences, the shared outcome is the fear of being selfish or narcissist in some people. 

But what exactly is Narcissism, really? 

Part of the confusion lies in how loosely the word is used. Today, “narcissism” is often applied to anyone who:

• sets boundaries

• prioritises themselves

• or doesn’t accommodate easily

But clinically, narcissism is far more specific. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), narcissistic personality patterns involve:

• a pervasive sense of grandiosity

• need for excessive admiration

• lack of empathy

• patterns of entitlement and interpersonal exploitation (American Psychiatric Association, 2022)

This is not the same as: ‘I have needs and I’m expressing them’ but It is closer to ‘My needs matter more than yours, and yours are secondary’. That distinction matters.

How to navigate this fear then?

Firstly by acknowledging it. When someone has spent a long time minimising themselves, the initial shift toward self-attention can feel intense. There may be phases where:

• boundaries feel firm or abrupt

• self-focus increases noticeably

• accommodation decreases temporarily

A system that has been chronically tilted toward others, doesn’t move to balance immediately. It may briefly lean toward the self as it tries to find a new centre.

Instead of asking, ‘Am I becoming narcissistic?’

It may be more useful to ask:

• Am I able to see both myself and the other person?

• Am I allowed to matter here?

• Is this response both honest and respectful?

Because the goal is not to become less considerate. It is to become: considerate in both directions.

For many people, the first time they listen to themselves doesn’t feel like growth, it feels like disobedience. But not becoming like the people who hurt you doesn’t require you to disappear. It requires you to stay aware, even as you take up space.

References

• American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed., text rev.; DSM-5-TR).

• Eisenberg, N., Cumberland, A., & Spinrad, T. L. (1998). Parental socialization of emotion. Psychological Inquiry, 9(4), 241–273.

• Markus, H. R., & Kitayama, S. (1991). Culture and the self: Implications for cognition, emotion, and motivation. Psychological Review, 98(2), 224–253.

• Zahn-Waxler, C., Shirtcliff, E. A., & Marceau, K. (2008). Gender differences in psychopathology: Internalizing and externalizing pathways. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 4, 275–303.

• Chaplin, T. M. (2015). Gender and emotion expression: A developmental contextual perspective. Emotion Review, 7(1), 14–21.

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.