Love Languages And How To Use Them

The concept of Love language means the way one understands, perceives, experiences and gives love to others. This concept has been popularized by Gary Chapman, a well-known psychologist. He came up with five basic love languages and recommended understanding others through these love languages. Discovering your and your partner's love language and using that to communicate to your partner may lead to a better understanding of each other which in turn may foster the relationship.

The five languages and what are some of the ways you can use them are as follows:

1. Words of Affirmation

People who have this love language feel loved when their loved ones are verbal with them about what they like and appreciate about them. For example, “Yesterday, when you made hot chocolate for me, I really liked it. You’re such a caring person.” You can show them that you love them by telling them such things, sending them messages, putting small notes for them to read. This will make them feel happy and wanted.

2. Acts of Service

People who consider acts of service as their love language feel loved when people do certain things for them. These actions don’t have to be something big but can be something small as well. Some examples can be making coffee for them if they like that; helping with the dishes; helping them with their work; or making them soup when they are sick. These people believe in actions more than words and they feel loved and appreciated then the see others performing such acts of service of them.

3. Quality Time

People with this language feel loved and appreciated when their partner wants to spend time with them, go out with them. They like doing things together. This doesn’t mean that

you spend time with such people but are not really “present” with them. For example, going

out for lunch with them but being on the phone. They like it when there is active listening

and the other person is fully present in the moment with them.

4. Receiving Gifts

People with this language feel loved and appreciated when they receive gifts from their loved one. Chapman calls them “visual symbols of love”. This may make them feel that their

partner thought is them. It’s not about the monetary value but the thought and the effort

behind it such as thinking what they would like and getting that for them. Example, gifting

them a plant instead of flowers if they like plants more, gifting them the jersey of their favourite football club or photo frame with cute pictures of each-other.

5. Physical touch

People who have physical touch as their love language feel loved when they receive

affection from their partner by actions which include physical touch such as cuddling,

holding hands, kissing, sex, etc. This physical touch is what makes them feel loved and

connected to their partner. If your partner considers physical touch as their love language then you can hold their hand when you walk, or kiss them when you say goodbye.

Where we go wrong…

We try to show love to our partner in our own love language and not their love language

because of which no matter how much we try, they may still not feel loved. It’s like

communication languages for example if you are speaking in Spanish to your partner and

your partner does not know Spanish but only French, no matter how much you try to

communicate, they will not get it.

Therefore, discover what is your love language and what is of your partners. Reflect on what

makes you feel loved and how you show love to your partner. Ask yourself if the way you

show love to them is what they would like or is it what you like and want from your partner.

Such questions and reflection will help us understand what is our and our partners love

language. It’s okay to have more than one language but generally we have one primary love

language. We may relate to all or a few but there may be one language which speaks to us

the most. Communicate with your partner and ask them what makes them feel loved and

tell them what makes you feel loved. Put in efforts to show them love in the language they

understand and not in the language that you understand. It may take some effort but you

can learn French and your partner can learn Spanish if you really mean a lot to each-other

and you want to make your relationship work.