The Importance of Self-Compassion

Suffering is a shared human experience that is a given of our existence. We can’t avoid our pain and suffering but we can be kind and compassionate towards ourselves. Most of the time when we are in pain and struggling with difficult emotions, we unknowingly exacerbate it by subjecting ourselves to self-imposed criticism and labels like, “ weak”, “worthless”

• For instance, when we are heartbroken, instead of being kind and warm towards ourselves, we readily label ourselves “ stupid enough to fall in love”. By doing this, we are not only engaging in self-criticism but also dismissing our emotions. Ironically, we are kinder and more understanding towards others’ suffering than our own. And that is where self-compassion comes into play. Self-compassion teaches us to treat ourselves the way we would treat the ones we love.

What exactly is Self-Compassion?

According to Kristin Neff, a renowned self-compassion researcher, self-compassion is founded on these three elements:

1) Mindfulness: Self-compassion involves being mindful of our emotions and pain for what it is. It is refraining from exaggerating or dismissing our pain altogether. It is not about placing judgments on our feelings. It is complete awareness and a non-judgmental stance toward our suffering and its effect on us.

2)Recognition of the common humanity: Self-compassion entails recognition of our suffering and pain as a shared human experience. Adversity and life’s struggles leave us with a sense of “isolation”, and “unfairness” that makes one believe that it is only happening to “me” and why only “I “ have to go through it. Respite lies in the acknowledgment of our suffering as a shared human experience that everyone is struggling with.

3) Self-kindness: Self-compassion involves being kind, understanding, and accepting towards oneself. It necessitates onto shun any harsh criticism and extend the warmth of acceptance towards one’s own struggles and inadequacies.

How do we practice self-compassion?

1. Recognize and condemn the habit of self-criticism and judgmentalism: When we are struggling with emotional calamity in terms of failure, we flagellate ourselves with negative self-talk and negative thoughts which make us feel worse. Instead of recognizing our pain, we start causing ourselves more pain. So, the foremost step toward self-compassion is to shun the habit of self-talk and self-criticism.

- Building awareness about our emotional turmoil: The key to self-compassion is accurate and mindful awareness of our emotional state. When we are in emotional turmoil, instead of recognizing and sitting with our emotions, we turn on a stoic cold mode. Our whole focus shifts toward burying our emotions, rather than acknowledging our emotions. The easiest way you can do that is to take a moment for yourself and ask yourself, “ What am I feeling right now.?”, “Am I feeling hurt, lonely, ashamed?”. Just asking yourself this simple question, you will know what you are feeling at that moment. Journaling your feelings down can also help you build emotional awareness.

- Extending a hand of understanding and acceptance toward oneself: Whenever we come across any personal failure, our first response often is, “How can I be so stupid!” Self-compassion implores you to accept yourself with your pain and suffering. It teaches you to be understanding towards yourself in the times when you need it the most. The easiest way you can do that is to ask yourself this magical question, “What do I need right now at the moment to feel better.?” Allow yourself to say, “I am suffering right now and I need to be kind to myself.”

- Be kind to yourself: Once you know what you need at the moment, turn it into action. If you just need to relax, take a moment and take deep breaths. If you need to feel happy, do things that lift up your mood. If you need to just take a break, leave everything and for a moment immerse yourself into nothingness.

- Develop the habit of self-care: Make self-care an integral part of your routine. By engaging in self-care activities, you will gradually learn to incorporate self-love and self-compassion in your life.

- Practice self gratitude: Express gratitude towards yourself. Adopt statements like, I am grateful for my kindness that I am able to take care of myself and others”. Create a gratitude jar for yourself where you can collect these gratitude statements for yourself.

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.