The Myth of Closure: Why We Crave It, Why It Hurts, and What Helps Instead

“I just need to hear him say it one more time.” In Normal People, Sally Rooney writes about two people whose endings are never clean, never final, because some bonds don’t break in straight lines. That single sentence captures something universal: the ache for closure, the belief that if we could just get one last explanation, one honest conversation, one apology, we would finally be able to move on.

Except… most of us don’t.

Closure is one of the most romanticized ideas in modern relationships, sold to us through movies, books, and social media. Someone breaks your heart, you sit across a table one last time, they tell you exactly why they did what they did, you cry, you hug, you walk away lighter.

It sounds beautiful.

But in real life, closure isn’t a moment. It’s a process. And very often, what we’re looking for

cannot be given by the person who left. This is the myth of closure. This blog explores why we want closure so desperately, why some endings trigger us more than others, the psychological forces underneath, and what to do when closure never arrives.

What exactly is this need?

A relationship ending, whether romantic or platonic, creates a psychological rupture. The human brain hates unfinished stories. It prefers meaning, even painful meaning, over confusion. Closure gives us the illusion of:

● Prediction: “If I know why it ended, maybe it won’t happen again.”

● Control: “If I understand what went wrong, I can fix myself or save future relationships.”

● Safety: “If I can understand their behaviour, maybe I can protect myself from future

hurt.”

From a Gestalt psychology perspective, humans seek to “complete the figure.” Any unfinished emotional experience creates tension in the mind. This tension pulls you back again and again, the way our eyes return to an incomplete shape trying to fill the missing lines.

Not all endings are equal. Some styles of leaving make closure harder. How certain breakup styles create a hunger for closure:

1. The “Not you, it’s me” endings

On the surface, these sound gentle. They are meant to soften the blow. But to the person on the receiving end, they create ambiguity, a sense that something is missing, unsaid, or hidden. This triggers overthinking: Was it really them? Was I the problem?

2. Ghosting

When there is no goodbye, you start reading meaning into silence. Silence becomes a blank

canvas. You project fears and insecurities onto it (Freedman et al., 2018).

3. When the ending contradicts the relationship

If someone leaves suddenly after being deeply affectionate, it creates a sense of cognitive

dissonance. Two conflicting truths fight in your mind. This increases the craving for answers:

“How can someone love me and leave me? Which part was real?”.

4. When their pattern triggers your pattern

Often, the need for closure is not about the person but the part of you they activated (Skeen,

2014):-

● If you have a fear of abandonment, ghosting triggers those wounds

● If you grew up needing to earn love, vague breakups can trigger and confirm the old

belief that worth and love isn't inherent

● If you have had last experiences of critical relationships, breakup or any rupture in a

relationship will make the failure belief become dominant

When closure is actually needed

Not every situation is the same. There are moments when closure matters:

1. When there’s shared responsibility or co-created harm that needs acknowledgment.

2. When both people are safe, willing, and emotionally present enough for an honest

conversation.

3. When the relationship is long-term or involves commitments, practical closure is needed.

4. When there were misunderstandings that could be clarified to reduce guilt or shame.

So what can we do instead?

1. Create a “Completion Ritual” because the mind seeks completion, give it a symbolic ending:

• Writing a goodbye letter you don’t send, but for yourself (Pennebaker, 1990)

• Choosing an object to represent healthy release

• Creating a boundary moment (unfollowing, deleting threads)

• A conversation with a therapist/friend where you speak the unsaid lines.

  
  

2. Identify the pattern their leaving triggered

Ask yourself:

● What part of my story did this ending reactivate?

● Is it the breakup I want closure from, or the wound beneath it?

It's possible you grieve the idea of a person more than the person itself.

3. Replace “Why did they do this?” with “What do I need now?”

One question keeps you stuck. The other moves you forward. Many closure cravings come from identity loss. Examples: “They saw me as smart.”, “They gave me attention.”, “They witnessed a part of me I don’t show others.” Instead ask yourself: “How can I rebuild or express this version without them as the witness?”

Most relationships don’t end with clarity. They end with people trying their best, but limited by fear, exhaustion, guilt, or their own unhealed stories. And sometimes, the deepest form of closure is accepting that you may never know the full story, and choosing to live your own story anyway.

References

Freedman, G., Powell, D. N., Le, B., & Williams, K. D. (2018). Ghosting and destiny:

Implicit theories of relationships predict beliefs about ghosting. Journal of Social and

Personal Relationships, 36(3), 905–924. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517748791

Pennebaker, J. W. (1990). Opening up : the healing power of expressing emotions. In

Medical Entomology and Zoology. https://ci.nii.ac.jp/ncid/BA33860223

Skeen, M. (2014). Love me, don’t leave me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment and

Building Lasting, Loving Relationships. New Harbinger Publications.

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice, and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional, and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us at fettle.counselling@gmail.com.