The Romanticization of Pain

What is romanticization?

The process of believing, describing, or showing something in a romantic or idealized manner. It can also involve glorification- making something sound better than what it is in reality. 

Romanticizing does not always have to be harmful, there are times when it can be a positive spin on otherwise mundane things, such as romanticizing everyday tasks by taking aesthetically appealing pictures of getting coffee while studying, the view from the everyday transit, sharing your playlist, etc. (and feeling good about said pictures); reframing chores as ‘I get to’ instead of ‘I have to’ complete this, and seeking pleasure in the process. It becomes worrisome when we start romanticizing or glorifying things such as pain, suffering, having mental health concerns, etc. because idealizing it may feel like an incentive to seek it more often and stay with it for longer. 

Why do we romanticize pain?

Some people might (erroneously) believe that mental health struggles give them the ‘edge’. Believing that it is their anxiety that is pushing them to work hard, and if the anxiety is reduced, it would make them too passive and laid back, and their performance would suffer. 

Thinking that you cannot truly enjoy success unless you have felt the pain of failure first.

Believing that epic love stories are only the ones that have heartache, separation and reconciliation- ones where you cannot live without but also with each other. Believing that art only has meaning and value if it is born out of despair and longing. Greater the pain, better the poetry that comes from it. 

Different forms of media that we consume often reinforce these beliefs. Romance novels, movies or fairy tales often depict experiences of pain and helplessness, and then how their romantic interest enters their life and teaches them how to live it, how they will save them, and change them for the better. 

This can lead to wistful thinking about how the pain will lead to a turning point in their life, or how it would be a character arc. It can give birth to fantasies of being rescued, being seen as someone who has gone through suffering, and how being seen will finally mean that they will get the emotional validation that they have always wanted. The validation of someone seeing you at your weakest and not turning away, but loving you for it, believing that the pain makes you who you are. And this wistful thinking can make us stay in the pain for longer instead of finding healthier coping strategies.

Grief, suffering, pain, etc. are difficult emotions to navigate and they can feel overwhelming. In moments like this, it is understandable to want to look for meaning in it, or give it purpose.

Going through difficult life events and experiencing pain can surely teach us a lot. We may become more resilient, more empathic and compassionate to others. Even if there can be positives derived from experiencing certain things, it would be best not to romanticize it. It is beneficial to see it as it is-not more, not less. This will help in reaching acceptance, feeling and validating it without staying in it or remaining stuck in it. 

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.