The Drama Triangle

“He doesn’t know enough, I will save him.” “I am helpless, I need him.” “Why are you like this? You are the reason for all my problems.”

Do any of these sound familiar? Maybe you’ve said them, or perhaps you’ve heard them from someone close. If so, you’re not alone. These stances often show up in relationships, leaving us uncomfortable, drained, or resentful. Why? Because they are not genuine encounters but patterns of interaction that form what’s called the Drama Triangle.

At the heart of these roles lies a fear: What if I let the other person see what’s really going on inside me? What if I share my real needs or desires? To avoid this vulnerability, people fall back on familiar roles that give temporary structure to the relationship but leave deeper needs unmet (Cornell & Thunnissen, 2015). 

You may ask: “But isn’t caring for loved ones or asking for help natural?” Absolutely. The problem is not with care itself - it’s the rigid, extreme ways we slip into these patterns that keep us from meeting both our own and the other person’s needs fully.

Let’s look at what are these roles:-

1. Rescuer - “I’ll save you” The Rescuer steps in to solve problems, often placing the other person’s needs above their own. On the surface, this looks like care, but underneath it avoids intimacy. It provides the person with a feeling of being needed and in control, however it comes at the cost of their own needs and affecting the relationship in the long run. 

2. Victim - “I can’t do this without you” The Victim feels powerless or dependent. This stance asks for rescuing with gaining attention and not taking responsibility themself and rarely involves directly asking for support in a healthy way.

3. Persecutor - “You’re the problem” The Persecutor points criticizes, or attacks. Instead of communicating needs, the energy comes out as blame or control, reinforcing the feeling of being superior or justified however it’s at the cost of trust and quality of the relationship.

   
   

Although the Drama Triangle is usually described in terms of how people interact with one another, it can also play out internally within a single person.  An inner critical voice may attack, leaving another part of us feeling inadequate, or overwhelmed. To cope, yet another part often steps in to distract or numb, offering temporary relief but keeping the deeper pattern in place. This will refrain you from addressing the problem in hand in a healthy manner (Redfern, 2021). 

How to navigate this?

It’s not about never slipping into these roles again, that’s human. The real shift comes when you notice the pattern and choose a different way of showing up. Here are some steps you can start practicing on your own:

1. Spot the Pattern

Ask yourself: “Which role am I playing right now - Rescuer, Victim, or Persecutor?”. Write down what usually triggers you, how you respond, and what short-term gains you get. Awareness is the foundational step.

2. Try the Healthier Alternative

Each role has a more balanced version in what’s called the Compassion Triangle (Cornell & Thunnissen, 2015):

• Rescuer - Caring with Boundaries. Help with consent and boundaries. Support them, believe in their agency as an individual as well as be mindful of your needs.

• Victim - Vulnerable. Ask for help from a place of support and not resignation and helplessness. 

• Persecutor - Assertive.  Replace blame for clarity. ‘I’ statements would be helpful, for e.g. saying, “I need you to communicate more. It’s important for me and our relationship” instead of “Why can you never have a conversation? What is wrong with you?” 

3. Rebuild relationship with yourself

Each role gives you a temporary reward, hope, control, or comfort. Replace it with something healthier:

• Work on your self-worth, especially detaching its exclusiveness to a particular role

• Spend time in activities that nurture you

• Invest in friendships and relationships where care goes both ways

• Communicate better and clearly

These steps can help you begin noticing and gently shifting your own patterns. Therapy can help you navigate it further and move towards lasting growth. Remember these patterns are reversible. Real encounters aren’t about rescuing, blaming, or operating from helplessness, they’re about showing up with honesty, care, and responsibility for our own needs, thoughts and behaviors.

References

Cornell, W. F., & Thunnissen, M. (2015). Into TA: A Comprehensive Textbook on Transactional Analysis. Routledge.

Redfern, E. (2021). The Drama Triangle and Healthy Triangle in supervision. In Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (Vol. 21, Issue 1). https://iacp.ie/files/UserFiles/IJCP-Articles/2021/Spring/The%20Drama%20Triangle.pdf

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice, and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional, and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us at fettle.counselling@gmail.com.