The Self-Improvement Project

I recently watched a video by Maddie Dragsbaek (and I have to admit, the YouTube algorithm understands me almost too well. Alongside therapy-related content, it regularly suggests videos like “Trying Every Flavor of Oreo.” Balance, right?).In the video, Maddie says something that stayed with me: “I am not a perpetual self-improvement project.”

Her statement resonated deeply. It made me reflect on how often we live with an underlying urge to fix ourselves—as if we’re perpetually downloading the next software update for a “better” version of who we are.

The Myth of Being “Fixed”

In therapy, I often hear clients say, “But I understand why I feel this way. I’ve explored the memory, reframed it, made sense of it. So why does it still hurt me once in a while? Shouldn’t it stop bothering me”. There’s a common expectation that once an experience has been “processed,” the associated pain should disappear. When the sadness or discomfort returns, people assume they’ve done something wrong—that they haven’t worked hard enough in therapy.

But emotional healing doesn’t mean erasing pain. It means learning to live with what has happened—to hold space for discomfort without letting it define us. Pain, after all, is part of being human. It’s a reflection of our capacity to care and to connect.

When Growth Turns Into Pressure

Even as mental health professionals, we’re not immune to the self-improvement trap. I noticed this in myself when my therapist pointed out how often I use the words “not enough.”

That phrase quietly fuels a relentless pursuit of the ideal life—waking up at 6 a.m., walking 10,000 steps, eating just the right amount of protein, checking every task off the list. There’s nothing inherently wrong with discipline or ambition. But when self-growth becomes a means to prove our adequacy, it stops being healthy.

This is not to say a person shouldn’t have goals. The difference lies in our intention. When we set goals to engage with life more fully, they enrich us. When we set them to validate our self-worth, they exhaust us.

Gamifying behaviors—setting achievable targets, tracking progress, celebrating small wins—can be effective for building habits. But it’s equally important to practice compassion toward yourself along the way. Notice why you’re setting a goal, and how you respond when you don’t meet it.

If you often feel guilty about “falling short,” try softening the edges of your goals. Keep them flexible rather than fixed. Instead of, “I will meditate for 20 minutes daily,” try, “I will find small moments of stillness each day.” Instead of, “I’ll process all my trauma,” consider, “I’ll listen to what feels unresolved right now.”

This approach helps cultivate progress that’s guided by inner needs rather than external standards.

The Bottomline

Healing and growth aren’t linear or finite. They can’t be ticked off like boxes on a to-do list. The goal of therapy—and of personal growth—isn’t to perfect yourself; it’s to deepen your understanding of who you are and to live with more awareness and self-kindness.

You are not a self-improvement project. You are a person—evolving, learning, and worthy even in your unfinishedness.

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice, and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional, and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us at fettle.counselling@gmail.com.