When Boundaries Become Control

We often hear people say “Oh that’s my boundary”. 

With increasing access to psychological concepts, greater awareness about mental health, and definitely more spaces for discussing complex emotional ideas, many of us are now familiar with concepts that earlier belonged mainly to therapy rooms (thanks to the internet!).

But sometimes what we call a boundary, may actually be an attempt to control another person’s behaviour. 

Authors explain boundaries like- physical lines that tell us where something ends and another thing begins. Almost like a property line that clearly governs our behaviour and not someone else’s. 

Control on the other hand happens when we attempt to manage another person’s actions, choices and autonomy. 

The difference between the two is quite subtle, yet profound. Understanding it correctly can help us transform how we look at our relationship with peers, family, and partners. 

Boundary sounds like- “What should i do to feel comfortable?”

Control sounds like- “What must she do to make me feel comfortable?”

Example of a Boundary:

“ I am not comfortable discussing this topic”

“ I need some alone time to complete my work”

The emphasis here is on- our own behaviour based on what we want and what we don't want. Health psychological boundaries are rooted deeply in self responsibility. 

Examples of Control:

“ I don't like your friend, you need to immediately stop talking to him”

“ If you love me, you will stop going talking to your female colleagues”

The emphasis here is clearly on how the other person acts. Focus shifts from self regulation to other regulation. Control often stems from deep seated anxiety, loss of control or some past relational trauma.  Research in attachment theories show that people with anxious attachment may often try to control their relationships to restore emotional security. 

Connection with Anxiety

Both boundaries and control arise with strong discomfort and anxiety, thus making it difficult for us to differentiate or to even recognize it for ourselves. 

Control often is linked with the belief that “If I control her actions, I will not be abandoned”. Such a control may give us temporary relief however it's not sustainable, leaving the other person to eventually start resisting. 

Alternative: Healthy Boundaries

Health boundaries are meant to mend relationships and not meant to push people away. It involves emotional awareness, mutual respect and clear communication. This increases emotional safety and reduces resentment towards each other. 

Recognizing control within oneself

• Am I defining my own behaviour or theirs?

• What happens if they don't comply?

• Is this rule based on my values or fears?

• Am I asking or demanding?

Healthy relationships are not built on control, but on connection that comes from autonomy. While control creates compliance, Boundaries create closeness and clarity. 

References:

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life.

The NW Network. (2020). Relationship skills class: Session 4 — Boundaries (RSC Materials, Jan–Feb 2020). 

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.