Why Being Yourself Is So Hard
One of the most common advice that exists out there in self-help books and popular culture is “Just be yourself!" Is being yourself a switch you can snap on and off? Is it really that easy?
The truth is, one encounters multiple entry barriers to while entering the territory of “being oneself”
The social costs: Often, being yourself isn’t as hard as accepting that people might find it difficult to digest a sudden shift in your personality. Moreover, the fear of rejection or not fitting in becomes more pronounced when you’re trying to be yourself. Because people not approving of your real self can seem even worse than them not approving of who you perform to be.
Who am I: the unknown territory: Sometimes, the line between who you actually are and who you’ve been expected to be (by others and eventually by yourself) gets blurred; making you question if you even know what being yourself looks like.
Negative associations with being yourself: When being yourself or not thinking about how others might perceive you has resulted in mocking, humiliation, rejection or dismissal in the past, the fear of it happening again can make you practice consciousness as a protective mechanism. Similarly, at some crisis points in the past, if you’ve had to be a certain way in order to survive that phase of your life, you come to think of the role you played as the reason why the crisis passed. And because this role allowed you to get out of survival mode eventually, it becomes hard to let go of it, for fear of life crumbling down again without it. For example, after losing a loved one to death, if you had to set your grief aside in order to take up the responsibilities they used to fulfill to ensure the wellbeing of other members of the family, being closed off to emotions starts seeming like a necessary condition for survival. And it’s hard to say when exactly the need to be strong starts taking over the permission to be yourself.
When real doesn’t feel good enough: Not being able to accept your real personality as good enough can make you feel the need to work on becoming a “better” version of yourself before you start being yourself.
What can help?
Notice times when you’re actively trying to be a certain way, rather than just be. Realizing is the first step to evaluating the actual need for this stance and more authentic alternatives.
Remember that you are multidimensional. You can have a fluid personality with contrasting traits coming up depending on the situation. You can enjoy a slow paced life and be ambitious at the same time. You can be quick to adapt to new environments and people, and yet value stability over changes in your life.
Reclaim versions of yourself you’ve had to abandon at some points in the past because there wasn’t space for them to exist then. For instance, if you had to grow up sooner and faster than your age, maybe there were some tender qualities like playfulness, spontaneity or curiosity that had to be replaced with a strong sense of responsibility. Acknowledging these parts of you that you lost can allow you to reclaim them through hobbies, relationships, work or into your general outlook towards life.
Don’t wait for something to happen to start being yourself --- the world can adapt to accommodate you; just as you’ve been molding yourself to fit in with it.
Reframe the idea of productivity or utility associated with who you should be- for instance, you can be hardworking and still prioritize your non-work tasks according to your bandwidth, and what you need when in order to recharge.
Being yourself doesn’t have to be an abrupt and complete shift--- it can begin with that one friend, on that one day where you have the bandwidth to engage in your hobbies
We all want to be the main character of our lives, and that’s only valid. So sometimes when we notice how trying to be in accordance with someone else’s definition of good enough has turned us into the side character of our own lives; it’s not a tragedy, but can rather be a start of a journey of rediscovering ourselves.
References:
Betz, N. E. (1994). Self-concept theory in career development and counseling. Career Development Quarterly, 43, 32-43. https://doi.org/10.1002/j.2161-0045.1994.tb00844.x
Cherry, K. (2018A). What is self-awareness? Very Well Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-self-awareness-2795023
Rosenberg, M. (1979). Conceiving the Self. New York, NY: Basic.
Comments