Emotional Regulation: A skill no one teaches us properly

We all know that person. Nothing seems to bother them. Someone cuts them off in traffic? Just smile. 

A colleague takes credit for an idea they spent weeks working on? They smile.

Their boss schedules a meeting titled "Can we talk?"... only to cancel it at the last minute after they've spent the entire day worrying? Still smiling.

You wonder if they have reached enlightenment?

Meanwhile…

At 2 a.m. they're replaying a conversation from 2019. Their jaw hurts because they've been clenching it all day. Their toes are curled up tightly inside their shoes. They can't say they're angry, so instead they say, "No no, I'm fine."

Looking calm and being regulated aren't always the same thing.

What actually is emotional regulation?

Many people think emotional regulation means having complete control over emotions. It doesn't. It also doesn't mean never getting angry, never crying, never feeling anxious or always staying calm.

One definition I particularly like is by Kim Barthel, an occupational therapist :

"The ability to feel my feelings, express my feelings and then take care of my feelings."

It doesn't ask us to skip emotions. It asks us to move through them.

So why does emotional regulation matter?

Research has consistently shown that better emotional regulation is associated with a wide range of positive outcomes, including healthier relationships, lower levels of stress and anxiety, stronger decision-making, greater resilience in the face of adversity, and even better physical health and cognitive functioning (Gross, 1998; John & Gross, 2004; Aldao et al., 2010).

This is because the ability to manage and respond to emotions effectively influences how we interpret situations, how we react under pressure, and how quickly we recover from emotional challenges. Over time, these patterns shape both psychological well-being and everyday functioning in meaningful ways (Gross, 1998; Aldao et al., 2010).

If emotional regulation is so useful, why is it so hard?

When our brain senses danger, whether that's a real threat or something emotionally painful, it shifts into survival mode.

That's why during conflict you might suddenly:

• shout

• freeze

• cry

• go completely blank

• say something you'll later regret

• 
  

People often think, "I knew what I should've done, why couldn't I do it?". Because at that moment, your nervous system wasn't asking, "What's the best response?"

It was asking, "Am I safe?"

One of the most helpful ways of understanding this comes from Bruce Perry's Three R's model.

Most of us try to jump straight to Reason. We force ourselves to think logically.  But when we're overwhelmed, the thinking brain isn't fully available.

According to the model, the sequence is: Regulate → Relate → Reason

First, the nervous system needs to settle. Then, connection and safety help us feel understood. Only then can our brain truly reflect, solve problems and make thoughtful decisions. Ironically, we often try to reason with ourselves before we've listened to what our body is telling us.

Can everyone learn emotional regulation?

Yes, but it's also important to acknowledge that we don't all start from the same place. Some people naturally have more emotionally sensitive temperaments. Some grew up in families where emotions were welcomed. Others learned that crying was weakness, anger was dangerous or difficult feelings should simply be ignored. Our biology, temperament, early relationships and life experiences all influence how easily we regulate emotions. But they don't determine our future. The brain remains capable of learning throughout life.

Emotional regulation isn't built only during moments of crisis. It's built in ordinary moments.

• Checking in with yourself.

• Naming what you're feeling.

• Taking pauses.

• Sleeping well

• Moving your body

  
  

Depending on whether someone is in hyperarousal (an overactivated state like anxiety, anger, restlessness) or hypoarousal (a shutdown state like numbness, fatigue or disconnection), strategies need to shift. In hyperarousal, the focus is on down-regulating, slowing the body through grounding, paced breathing, reducing stimulation, or movement like walking. In hypoarousal, the focus is on up-regulating, gently re-engaging the system through sensory input, light movement, connection with someone safe, or small structured actions to bring energy and awareness back online.

Emotional regulation isn’t about controlling every feeling you have, it’s about learning how to stay with yourself through whatever you feel, and finding your way back to balance again.

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.