Friendships In Adulthood

Hey Friend!

You have survived school, college , maybe even a few terrible jobs, but then why does it  still feel stressful and awkward to make a friend at the age of 26?

What is friendship anyway?

More than just someone who texts back!

In psychology, friendship is one of the oldest and most studied phenomena, yet we may find it difficult to explain what it really means to us. 

Let's start with the basics. Friendship is a mutual relationship with those involved in it influencing each other’s thoughts and behaviours and also deriving satisfaction from it.  It's voluntary, mutual, a relationship built on trust, warmth and genuine care, with zero contract involved. 

Unlike family ( assigned at birth with no return policy) or romantic relationship (complicated), friendships are based on choice and reciprocity. 

These relationships exist because two people simply decided to keep showing for each other. 

Researchers have distinguished between different levels of friendship- we have our acquaintances, casual friends, close friends and intimate or our lovely best friends. And what elevates a casual acquaintance into a true friend is the experience of being genuinely seen and accepted. 

Then vs now

Remember how in childhood, friendship just required two things- being near someone (Proximity)  and liking the same things (Similarity) , that's it. Done , best friends! Going to the same school, same classes, same liking, same daily routines made it so effortless.

Adulthood slowly dismantled that system. No shared timetables, no forced proximity. Now it's just two busy people trying to fix a calendar appointment that works for both of them. 

Points to remember!

Adult friendships fail not because people are bad at it. It struggles because of many real life factors that work against it.

Time: Between multiple jobs, ageing parents, meal prepping and occasionally sleeping, an average adult has only one or two free evenings in a week. Friendship which doesn't come with a deadline quietly drops to the bottom of the to do list. 

Life transitions: Inseparable at 15, now one of you is married, has a baby, the other moved cities and just like that both of your lives look so different. This doesn't mean that the friendship is broken, but just needs to adapt. 

Initiation: A child may walk up to another new child, start playing and they’re friends. However we as adults may spend 30 minutes drafting a casual yet respectful text and another 2 business days of overthinking. Social anxiety and the fear of rejection often makes it very difficult to initiate conversations. 

Then how to actually nurture friendships?

Small, consistent contacts beat occasional big events every time. 

Put it on your calendar: 

A recurring meeting, a monthly call. Seeing it as a fixed meeting helps. 

Think small and often: 

A weekly voice note updating each other of the week, sharing a funny meme. Frequency matters far more than the size of the gesture

Actually listen: 

When a friend vents, resist the urge to fix things. Sometimes just being heard without any advice is all that someone needs. 

Evolve: 

People change, and friendships evolve. Make room for differences, for who someone is becoming, not just who they were.

Gaps:

A few days or weeks of silence doesn't have to mean anything permanent. One genuine message can restart everything.

So the next time you keep putting off texting an old friend because you have been meaning to for months, maybe just do it now. Worst case, they don't reply immediately. Best case, you've done something genuinely good for both of your nervous systems. Not bad for a two-line text :)

References

Barry, C., & Madsen, S. (2010). Friends and friendships in emerging 

adulthood. In The changing spirituality of emerging adults.

Kail, R. V., & Cavanaugh, J. C. (2019). Human development: A lifespan view. Cengage Learning.

Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships: Theory, research and interventions.

The Psychology of Your 20s. Are friendships really meant to be inconvenient? (No. 381)