Getting Past the Honeymoon Phase

The typical phrase ‘honeymoon phase’ is the initial period of the relationship, where everything feels blissful and serene. This is an exciting period for most, because everything around them seems to be moving perfectly. This because of our preconceived notion that we will be the happiest we've ever been, when we get into a relationship. Sparks are flying everywhere and the newness takes control. While that happiness may last a significant time period, eventually for many, it starts fading away. Many are left wondering where the sparks disappeared and why this change comes to be. Here are some possible explanations for these rapid and sometimes unnoticeable changes, which I call muddles, and corresponding solutions, which I call antidotes.

Muddle #1 - The masks fall off. When we go into a relationship, we try to put our best foot forward 100% of the time. Liking them is easy when we’re discovering new things about them. However, putting our best foot forward every waking moment may not be possible, and the newness may not last for a very long time - this is when, gradually, the mask falls off. Our minds begin to move past the versions of them we have created and start seeing each other for who they really are.

Antidote #1 – Meet them where they are. This is where the true test comes in – can you love someone for who they really are, and not just the rosy picture you both may have painted together? If you are able to love them with their flaws, or rather despite their flaws, then the relationship stands a chance. Can you make room for an imperfect human being without viewing the relationship as inadequate? Can you accept that they may not choose to stay the same, no matter how much you want them to?

Muddle #2 - They must love me to the moon and back. While it is great to have someone to love, putting them on a pedestal, or idealizing and romanticizing the relationship may play against us in many ways. Our emotions can sometimes deceive us into believing something or someone is ideal or perfect for us. This is particularly true when we have struggled with feeling loved growing up. In such situations, we may set the bar relatively low and settle for the bare minimum. However, putting someone else on a pedestal and considering ourselves to live in the shadow of their light, can eventually take a toll on our self-esteem. Often times, fantasy bonds can interfere with our perception of reality.

Antidote #2 - Your happiness is your responsibility. Very often, we assume that our partners will take on the responsibility to constantly show us love and make us happy. We sometimes even clearly express that need. While it may be tempting for our partners to take on that responsibility, sometimes, this can potentially become a burden for them. It is crucial to understand that nobody except we are responsible for our own happiness. Once this realization sets in, the expectation for high investment in our happiness from others decreases. For two people to be happy in unity requires them to fulfill their own need for happiness as individual units first.

Muddle #3 – It is no longer good as new. At the start of a relationship, the chase and thrill may be at an all-time high. Our go-to assumption, when the honeymoon phase is fading, is that our partner should put in more effort. Whether the effort is to keep the romance alive, or whether it is to meet basic needs in the relationship. Oftentimes, we tend to take and take and take. Without realizing that we too, need to give, in relationships. When there is nothing left to take, it begins to feel as though the novelty has worn out.

Antidote #3 - Teamwork makes the dream work. While the honeymoon phase is over, the love is not. Love exists in abundance if both parties are willing to put in the effort to show it and receive it. A relationship is a partnership, where we need to meet each other halfway. Setting a tone for what a life together looks like means taking into consideration all practical outcomes.

Muddle #4 – Change is uncomfortable. Very often, we hear, "they're not who I thought they were". This occurs because the partner has now shown a side of them that they didn't anticipate would exist. As cliché as it sounds, nobody is perfect. People show us sides of themselves that we may not be ready to see. For many, this new side can make them feel blindsided and uncomfortable with ‘what’ they may have gotten themselves into. Needless to say, human beings are constantly changing. With them, are their dreams and desires. This can be hard to accept, as this was not what you initially expected.

Antidote #4 – Change is inevitable. Embracing and attempting to understand oneself and their partner, through all dynamics is when a certain amount of acceptance will begin to flow. When the relationship feels stagnant, it becomes necessary for both to remind themselves of the separateness of their identities and take it upon themselves to bring something different to the table. Understanding that flaws and imperfections will exist at every stage, will only help strengthen the relationship and throw light on its realness.

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.