How can I be more Assertive?

Assertiveness, at its core, simply signifies being able to stand up for oneself. It indicates holding a sense of dignity and respect for oneself and for other people. Individuals who are assertive, are more likely to have the courage to put forth their opinions and express themselves without being inhibited. This uninhibition comes from a space of knowing that they have the right to express their values and are willing to provide others with that space too. The question that comes to mind then is - why do we need to be assertive? When we choose to be assertive, we are pointing out that we believe in what we have to say. We are reassuring others that our judgment is fair and not biased. This also enables everyone in the conversation to feel heard.

Researchers have coined the notion that assertiveness exists on a spectrum. On one extreme lies passivity and on the other, lies aggression. Assertiveness lies somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. Each of the three concepts are further explained. Individuals who are passive tend to give in to other people’s demands easily, and expect very less in return. These individuals are often the ones left feeling uneasy or disrespected at the end of a transaction. This can occur due to their lack of ability to say ‘no’, poor self-confidence, self-esteem, or, fear of rejection. We see physical characteristics such as lack of eye-contact, leaving the room when arguments get heated, holding an apologetic tone for everything, or agreeing to things they don’t want to do. It is saying “I’m okay with whatever you want me to do”.

Opposed to passivity, individuals who tend to be aggressive are the one’s doing the unreasonable demanding. They are focused on fulfilling their needs while discounting the needs of people in their lives. They make other people feel disrespected in this process. Their tone is often accusatory, almost as though they are verbally attacking others. These individuals lean towards an overestimation of their own abilities. They are also less likely to respect other people’s boundaries. We can see physical characteristics such as eyerolling, pointing fingers, or playing the blame game. It is like saying “I’ll do what I want, and you better do what I want too!". Assertiveness is a space between the two, that disables the person from being on either extreme. It involves respecting other’s rights, leaving nobody hurt in the bargain. Here, one is confident, and willing to put their ideas out there, despite any foreseeable discomfort. Here, emphasis is given equally on logic and emotion, and communicating smoothly. Being assertive can include considering other people’s opinions rather than jumping to conclusions or making assumptions on their behalf. Characteristics of assertiveness include direct eye contact, using I-statements when talking rather than accusing the other person, taking responsibility when one is wrong. It is saying “I would prefer doing this, what do you think we should do?”.

Frequently, it has been observed that certain types of people find it specifically hard to be assertive. Who are these people? These include individuals who are ‘people pleasers’. As the term suggests, these are people that do not want to disappoint others and therefore give in to the opposition’s wishes. Other peoples judgments about them becomes the focus of their attention. They are afraid to hurt others because of the possible judgment they would be returned with. Next, people who are afraid of getting themselves hurt are hardly likely to be assertive. They are afraid of not being able to handle the possible rejection that comes with it. Third, those who avoid conflicts are less likely to be assertive in their lives. They have the notion that avoiding conflict may save the relationship, when in fact, it is doing more damage than saving. Lastly, individuals who have low confidence or self-esteem are less likely to stand up for what they want.

The bigger question is, how do we do it? How can we be more assertive? Here are some tried and tested steps:

• Trust yourself: If you have an opinion about something, trust yourself to make right judgments.

• Plan ahead: If you are ready to share your views or concerns about a matter but don’t feel confident enough, you can plan what you want to say before you actually have the conversation. Make a list of the points you want to discuss.

• Start small: If you feel underconfident about talking to someone that may seem intimidating, you can practice with someone else, or practice in front of a mirror. Use your safe spaces to.

• If you want it, go for it: Here is the key, if you want something, you have to ask for it. If you are double guessing yourself, blindly take the shot. A miss is better than not attempting.

• ‘I’ statements: When communicating, stick to starting the statements with “I…”. This allows you to take responsibility for your feelings while also not blaming the other person.

• ‘No’ means ‘No’: If something goes against your values and your answer to another person is a “No”, it is important to stick to those values. If they convince you 10 times over and then you change your answer to a “yes”, you’re not standing up for what you believe in. Therefore before you share whether it is a yes or a no, you need to take time off to think about it. This will help you get clarity on what you really want and highlight what you will and will not tolerate.

• All in all, be respectful: Everybody wants to be respected. Regular efforts are needed on our part to be respectful in our communication.

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.