Living Your Life, Not the Script: Moving Beyond the Stories That Don’t Fit

Have you ever felt like you're performing a role you didn't audition for? You might be hitting

your targets, maintaining your relationships, and doing everything "right", yet a lingering sense of hollowness persists. Or maybe you're in a family dinner and someone asks, "So when are you getting married?" "Why don't you want kids?" and you feel that familiar knot of anxiety in your stomach.

This experience is more common than most realize. They're moments when people bump up against what is known as the "script" - the invisible storyline that society has been writing since birth.

The human experience is fundamentally a narrative experience. People don't merely exist in the world; they interpret it, predict it, and navigate it through a complex web of cultural expectations and familial injunctions known as "scripts". From birth onwards, individuals are immersed in a sea of expectations and historical discourses that define who they are, how they should behave, and what constitutes a "good" life.

From childhood, the standard narrative goes something like this: go to school, get good

grades, find a stable job, fall in love with the "right" person, get married, buy a house, have

children, retire, and live happily ever after.

But scripts extend far beyond life milestones. They dictate how people should look, what they should want, how their bodies should function, what kind of work is "worthy" and which

relationships are "acceptable". They embed the message that happiness comes from achievement, that worth is tied to productivity, and that there's one correct way to live a good life.

The Functions Scripts Serve

Scripts are not arbitrary impositions; they provide essential psychological and social functions. They create order and predictability in a complex world; as cognitive psychologists

Schank and Abelson observed, scripts help people make sense of social life that would otherwise feel overwhelming. It also offers belonging by aligning individuals with what is culturally defined as “normal,” reducing the anxiety of living without direction. Scripts also support larger social and economic systems and by tying worth to achievement and productivity. In doing so, they keep everyone striving for the same markers of success and

help maintain the wider social structure.

How Do These Scripts Become So Deeply Woven into How People See Themselves?

It begins in childhood through family messages, school systems, and observation of the surrounding world. Parents model certain values. Teachers praise specific behaviours. Media

repeatedly shows what a "good life" looks like. Peers' choices reinforce what is considered

normal.

Over time, external messages transform into internal voices. The script shifts from "This is what society expects" to "This is what I expect of myself". It embeds itself so thoroughly that

it blends with a person’s own wants and values, making the script feel like an unquestionable

truth instead of something shaped by the world.

The Impact: How Scripts Affect People

When scripts become internalized early in life, they become the lens through which people measure their worth. Scripts become internal yardsticks of worth, quietly measuring our progress: Am I doing enough? Is my life on track? When life diverges from these expectations, disappointment is often directed inward rather than toward the script itself. For those aligned with the script, pressure builds to maintain that alignment, creating anxiety

about slipping and revealing how fragile externally defined success can be. For those whose

paths differ, accomplishments may feel diminished, viewed as less legitimate than the “right” path. This often carries an undercurrent of shame that pushes realities into hiding. Thus, scripts affect people differently based on their social position, but in all cases create distance from what truly matters, pulling individuals away from their own values and definitions of a meaningful life.

Rewriting Your Own Story

1: Unveiling the Invisible

The first step is naming the scripts you've been living by. Start here: What beliefs about success, love, or achievement have always felt like rules you couldn't break? Where did these

come from—your family, culture, or what you've seen around you?

2: Deconstructing the Narrative

Now that you can see the script, question it. This step separates what you actually want from

what you've been told to want. Recall a recent moment when you felt guilty for not fitting the script—maybe for prioritizing yourself or doing things differently. In that moment, whose voice was criticizing you? Was it a parent, a mentor, social media, or society at large? Can you remember when you first learned that your choice was "wrong"?

3: Understanding the Cost

Before you can move forward, it's important to see what the script has actually taken from you. What parts of yourself have you had to hide or suppress to fit this script? What has following this script cost you—in terms of anxiety, identity, relationships, or fulfillment? What would become possible if you stopped trying to fit this mould?

Finding Your Way

The scripts society hands us aren't inherently wrong. They help find a sense of direction and belonging. But when they become prescriptive, when they override your own voice and

intuition, that's when they become limiting. Therapy offers a space where your story matters more than the script. Where your choices can be explored without judgment. Where you can grieve what the script has cost you and imagine what might be possible beyond it.

If you've been feeling that persistent sense that something is wrong with you, or that you're

not where you "should be", consider this: maybe it's not you. Maybe it's time to examine the

script and decide what parts—if any—truly belong in your story.

References

Chentsova-Dutton, Y., & Maercker, A. (2019). Cultural Scripts of Traumatic Stress: Outline, Illustrations, and Research Opportunities. Frontiers in Psychology, 10. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02528

Koenig-Workman, I. (2025). Script Theory - The Decision Lab. The Decision Lab.

https://thedecisionlab.com/reference-guide/psychology/script-theory

Schank, R. C., & Abelson, R. P. (2013). Scripts, plans, goals, and understanding : An inquiry into human knowledge Structures. Taylor and Francis. (Original work published

1977)

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice, and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional, and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us at fettle.counselling@gmail.com.