Why Avoidance Feels Safe, Yet Quietly Shrinks Our Lives

"Men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire."

— Dan Brown

That one important project you’ve been meaning to work on since six months, those heavy emotions that have been knocking on the door which you’re too afraid to open, the difficult conversations you know you must have but cannot bring yourself to - all of these have in common the human tendency to avoid what seems too difficult, overwhelming or too important to risk with a ‘weak’ start. 

Why We Avoid Difficult Situations And Emotions 

At the core of avoidance lies fear. Fear that going ahead on a path can lead to an immediate or eventual catastrophe. The idea of a catastrophic situation here is usually one where we picture ourselves feeling helpless, regretful and deeply disappointed. Avoidance is therefore a choice that fear makes for us. It operates with the motto: “Predict and Protect rather than Risk and Regret!”. And fearful predictions about the future always lean towards negative rather than positive outcomes. 

But where does this fear that drives avoidance come from in the first place? It could have a myriad of sources. Most commonly, it stems from painful experiences that have been encountered in the past by walking on a path similar to what’s now being avoided. The shock, unhappiness, shame and helplessness associated with the past traumatic experience gets projected onto the similar situation in the present, bringing up a strong unwillingness to even consider that this situation could turn out differently. Avoidance in such cases is also about exercising control as much as possible over the present situation to compensate for the lack of it that was felt the first time.  

Sometimes, the fear stems not from a painful past experience, but from feeling like stepping beyond the boundaries created by social narratives around success and happiness would be unsafe and risky because it’s ‘not normal’, or a frequently travelled path. This kind of avoidance is learned more through what we’re taught as being right or wrong, rather than what we’ve learned from first-hand experiences. For instance, when a lot of emphasis is laid on success and happiness, and mistakes and negative emotions are looked down upon as signs of weakness or too messy, we learn that perfectionism and suppressing negative emotions is necessary. This is a terribly restrictive place to operate from because we begin associating ‘safety’ only with perfect starts and good moods, which are far less common on the path of growth than stumbling, crying, recovering and still continuing are.

At other times, we may also avoid initiating choices that we know we would benefit from or avoid processing painful emotions when we feel tired and drained of bandwidth. This kind of avoidance is more transient and less limiting- it reduces as our fatigue wears off, and allows us to tackle the situation once we feel better. 

How Avoidance Shrinks Our Lives

When avoidance becomes a pattern, it doesn’t allow us to collect any evidence of how we can survive the consequences of facing the situation that we’re avoiding. It’s like taking detours from original paths so often that our map soon includes only the detours. Because of the lack of evidence to the contrary, a lot of assumptions about our capability to tolerate challenges and about how far our horizon can safely extend end up being believed as truths. In this process, the role of learning is heavily overlooked- the fact that even if we don’t know how to face painful emotions or difficult situations, we can always build the necessary skills. Or that mistakes don’t need to mean absolute failure and thus be avoided; they can point us towards the gaps that we can learn to fill out. Hence, although avoidance intends to keep us safe from any threat to our wings (i.e. our self-worth or emotional wellbeing), it actually places a lot of restrictions on how much our wings can extend if it becomes extreme, and ultimately doesn’t allow us to fly freely. 

It’s not like avoidance doesn’t have an integral place of its own in our lives- it’s truly valuable when we’re faced with a real threat to our physical and emotional safety and distancing from such a situation is only wise (like from an abusive relationship). Avoidance is therefore effective in crisis situations as a survival strategy as it promises relief, but not freedom. 

How To Reduce Avoidance In A Way That Feels Safe Yet Empowering

• The ‘smallest step’ question: Ask yourself what is the smallest step you feel safe to take towards addressing a difficult emotion, task or conversation. Usually, we fear taking the difficult step because it feels like we would have to take it all at once, and there wouldn’t be any coming back from it. By asking yourself of the tiniest change you could make allows you to choose the pace at which you want to build the momentum.

  
  

• When you find yourself thinking that an uncertain situation would end up being a catastrophe, take a moment to consider if this is ‘fear’ talking. Also consider if there’s any potential for the future to turn out differently. Gently exploring this, with the intention to soothe rather than fight the fear, allows you inch towards acceptance that the future could pan out in more ways than one, which in turn helps you consider what could be other ways of approaching the situation rather than decidedly avoiding it.

  
  

• Part of soothing the fear involves understanding what it needs from (or for) you. Is it security, comfort, love, feeling of mattering to someone.

  
  

• What would make the risk to not avoid seem worth it? Reflecting on how facing the situation head-on would align with your overall values and life goals builds up the motivation for taking the first step out of your comfort zone.

  
  

• Reward yourself with whatever feels comforting each time you step out of your comfort zone. This reward could be anything- having coffee while listening to your favorite playlist, or spending some extra time with your loved ones, or gifting yourself fresh flowers! The intent is to make the experience feel like an accomplishment irrespective of how well the result turns out. 

  
  

• If avoidance is stemming from a traumatic experience, working with a trained therapist to process and relieve the emotional weight associated with it.

While working on avoidance patterns, it helps to view it as carving an opening in the fence that has kept you safe so far. You can leave the safe grounds when you want to explore the world beyond the fence, knowing that you can always return after a stroll.

References:

• Funkhouser, E., & Hallam, K. (2022). Self-handicapping and self-deception: A two-way street. Philosophical Psychology, 35(3), 299–324. https://doi.org/10.1080/09515089.2022.2055915 

• Porges, S. W. (2022). Polyvagal theory: A science of safety. Frontiers in integrative neuroscience, 16. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnint.2022.871227 

• Weinberger, J. & Stoycheva, V. (2019). The unconscious: Theory, research, and clinical implications. New York: The Guilford Press

Disclaimer: This blog post is meant for awareness/entertainment purposes only. It is not medical advice and one must refrain from self-diagnosing. It is in no way a substitute for therapy with a mental health professional and it is not meant to be clinical. To consult with a psychotherapist on our team, you can contact us on fettle.counselling@gmail.com.